So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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