I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
We got so high we made milksteak
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
