I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
