So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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