but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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