Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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