I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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