Who wears a wallet chain?!
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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