Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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