Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
not ubering you a puppy
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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