I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Don't tell me you're on acid again
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
