I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
