I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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