Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
