I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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