She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Randomize
