i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
