I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
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