he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
