i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
