dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
