Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
