you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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