That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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