Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
