That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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