is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
