So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
