none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
