I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
