from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
