and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
