There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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