everyone is single if you try hard enough
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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