I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
