I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
