last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
