What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
