this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
