You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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