How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
