My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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