I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize