you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
