i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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