Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Randomize
