Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
