I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I cut my penus on the lid.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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