why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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