1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I am full of burrito and curiosity
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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