i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
You ate ashes out of my bong
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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