The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
