I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
