I love black thongs
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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