Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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